Awake
by Vega Dreamer
Summary: I just feel like I'm awake for the first time in my life. And it feels good. 7X20 to Present. I suck at summaries so read to find out more. Chapter 11 up. Complete.
1. Long Hours

A/N: This has been a story that I have been working on since July. I had originally started writing it when one of my friends inspired me. She said something about staying awake, and the idea just came to me. I never planned to publish it, but the friend who inspired me found and read the fic, then decided for me that it would be published. I hope that you enjoy. Please review as I am not quite finished and need people to comment, whether it be good or bad.

Rating: K+ for safety, nothing too bad though...

Awake

By Vega Dreamer

Chapter One: Long Hours

"Are you thinking about me?" Sara asked quietly as Grissom was falling asleep.

With a small groan he rolled over to face her. He looked at her as she watched him with her head perched on her arm.

"Why would you ask me something like that?" he replied, reaching over to touch her hair, "How could I not? You're here with me, its hard not to."

"Is that what its like when we're at the lab?" Sara smiled softly, wrapping her arms around Grissom's neck and curling into his chest. Since the girl Cammie die in her arms, she felt different. She'd needed more from Grissom, and surprisingly, he'd been willing to give it. From that point on she'd realized that she had him there for her, and he didn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. He looked deep into her eyes before replying.

"Yes, only its worse. Are you satisfied now?" Under Grissom's eyes were dark circles from long nighst of brooding over the miniature murders. With every passing week it was getting worse. The sleepless nights, the distractedness, the neediness. "Why are you still awake anyway?" Grissom glanced at the clock, "you passed out as soon as you hit the bed a couple hours ago."

Sara pulled the blankets around her and sat up, "I've just been thinking, that's all. Thinking about everything, you should know, you do it enough."

Grissom leaned back and studied her, "I'm sorry if I've been distracted, I know that it bothers you."

"You realize that I'm really one of the only people you apologize to like that, don't you?" Sara smiled and turned to face him. Grissom yawned, rubbing his droopy eyes.

"That's because I can't stand to have you mad at me," Grissom winced as his cell phone started beeping. Sara rolled her eyes and laid back again. Throwing the phone into the laundry basket across the room, Grissom wrapped his arms around Sara and closed his eyes.

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Groggily, Grissom opened his eyes and glanced at the clock, only an hour had passed since the last time he'd been woken up. A light crept out from under the bathroom door. Grissom rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Why did Sara keep getting up? Quietly, he opened the door and peeked inside.

"Sara? What are you doing in here?" Sara was sitting in the corner with a book in her hands. Seeing Grissom, she hid the cover from sight.

"I just couldn't sleep," she smiled, "Again. I'm sorry if I woke you." Grissom walked into the bathroom and slid into the corner next to Sara.

"That must be a pretty good book for you to have gotten out of bed.," Grissom smiled groggily as Sara sighed, looking anxious.

"I thought that it was just stress. You know? I'm not getting any younger and its not like I have one of the steadiest jobs. And, of course, keeping secrets doesn't help much." Sara looked at Grissom pointedly.

"What did you think was just stress? Are you feeling alright?" Grissom was looking more and more confused by the second.

"I'm not, sick, I-I-I'm late," Sara stared at Grissom, waiting for him to say something.

Grissom looked uncomfortable and tired, "Am I supposed to understand what you're talking about?" Sara sighed and showed him the book that she'd been reading when he walked in. Grissom raised his eyes and leaned into the page.

"This book explains how there are some cases of women having menopause earlier. Stress can do really weird things to the body, so that's often one of the factors. But it isn't normal for me to just miss one of my periods out of the blue. Especially when my stress level is even lower than normal," Sara stood up , bringing Grissom with her, she led him into their bedroom and sat down on the bed. "It means that either I'm starting menopause early, or…" Sara's voice trailed off.

"You're pregnant," Grissom looked at Sara, dazed, "This could mean that you're pregnant."

"It could be menopause," Grissom chuckled, leave it to Sara to jump to the worst conclusion, "Do you really think that I could be pregnant?"

"Well, it wouldn't be horribly out of the question. Only, it would mean that all the birth control wasn't working."

"Exactly! Its not very likely that the birth control wasn't working."

"Its also not very likely that you're experiencing early menopause," Grissom pointed out.

"What is it with you and arguing all of a sudden? Aren't you the man who's always avoided confrontation?"

"I'm simply trying to look at all of this in a logical way," Grissom defended himself as Sara rolled her eyes, "We're going to figure this out. Tonight. I'm going to the store."

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Grissom drove to the store quickly. He was excited, and at the same time nervous. He grabbed a pregnancy test and rushed on to the front counter. He fumbled with his money as a the pink-haired teenage cashier eyed him tiredly.

He looked up at her shyly as she rung up the test, "This isn't for me… I'm serious," He said upon seeing the look the girl gave him.

The girl popped her gum and stared at him over her fashion magazine, "No kidding dude…."

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"Well?" Whatever weariness had been bothering Grissom before, had disappeared by now. He had been pacing back and forth imagining the outcome of the test for the last ten minutes.

Sara opened the door to the bathroom and looked Grissom in the eye, "It's positive."

Saying it was different than just seeing it. The realization hit Sara like a ton of bricks. She was going to have a baby. Grissom's baby. She was 35 years old and she had thought she would never have children. It was funny how quickly things could change.

"I called the doctor while you were in the bathroom. They can take us in about an hour, if you want to go," Grissom looked at Sara tenderly.

"We need to talk about this first. What are we going to do?" Sara hadn't been insecure about their relationship in a while. She'd admit that when Grissom went away on sabbatical, she had her doubts about how long they could actually last. He was close to burning out on a job he loved, so he needed to go. But the way he'd gone about it had left something to be desired. As soon as he returned, she didn't believe for one minute that he'd needed space from her or that he didn't care, or any of her other fears. He was just a man that was set in his ways, and he wasn't used to opening up to anyone completely.

"We're going to have a baby… baby," Grissom smiled and took her hand, as if feeling her emotions seeping through to him, "I know that we'll make very capable parents. We'll be able to make this work out."

Sara had known that an abortion was out of the question, and that Grissom probably wouldn't want for her to give up the baby, but she hadn't expected him to be so… calm.

"I just can't believe that this is happening. You've never wanted kids, have you? How are we going to keep this one secret?"

"We're not. We're going to come out, there's no way that we're not. But I'll take care of it. And, I've never really thought about having kids. But you're the only person that I'd ever want to share a child with."

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"Congratulations! Ms. Sidle, you're a little bit more than a month pregnant. You seem to be coming along just fine from what we can tell, but its still too early to tell much. We'll know more as the pregnancy progresses," Dr. James handed Sara the results from the test and ultra sound as Grissom squeezed her hand, "Just don't overwork yourself or cause yourself unnecessary stress. And Mr. Grissom, please be sure that Ms. Sidle takes prenatal vitamins and gets plenty of rest."

Sara and Grissom walked out of the office hand-in-hand. They climbed into the standard issue Denali and drove off. "If you want, you can take off work tonight. I'll drop you off at home before I head into the lab," Grissom offered, stopping as the light turned red.

Sara looked at him like he was crazy, "I'm fine, I don't need to stay home. I'm the same as I've always been. Only a little pregnant," Sara shot him a look, "You'd better not try to baby me these nine months."

"I just want to make sure that you're alright, that's not bad is it?" Grissom looked hurt.

"Just don't think that I need for you to guard me at all hours of the day. Everybody is going to find out soon enough. We don't need for you to blow it too early," Sara turned back to him, "And I guess you can start babying me a little after about five months."

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To Be Continued...


	2. Sickness, Love, And Ladybugs

Chapter Two: Sickness, Love, and Ladybugs

"Hey Gil, did you ever find out any more about the Colonna case?" Catherine walked into Grissom's office holding a case file. Grissom read a few more sentences before putting down the book he was reading and looking up at Catherine.

"Brass arrested the husband about an hour ago. It turns out that he killed his wife and the kid," Grissom removed his glasses, rubbing his eyes, "How anyone could kill their pregnant wife and child is beyond me, it doesn't matter if she made him mad, its just not right."

Catherine glanced at the book Grissom set down, "Mother and Baby: The Nine Month Journey," she read the title of the book out loud, "Interesting choice in literature."

Grissom quickly searched for an excuse, "I just thought that I'd try to learn more about the wife, what she was going through." He glanced at his watch, "I think that I'm going to head out, I'll see you tomorrow."

Catherine shook her head. She wasn't surprised. She gave one last look to the book and walked out of the room. Grissom packed up his bag and locked his office. Since he found out that he would be a father the week before, Grissom had been reading every book on pregnancy and child development that he could get his hands on.

Climbing into his car, Grissom checked his phone guiltily. He had four missed calls and had received three messages. Tonight he had put in a couple hours of overtime without thinking. It was about 8:00 a.m. now. Listening to the messages, he recognized Sara's voice. Just as soon as shift ended she went home, and when she left she looked a little pale. In the message, Sara asked that when Grissom came home that he bring soda crackers and something else to calm Sara's stomach. She said that she had contracted the flu from one of her suspects she'd been interviewing.

Quickly driving to the store, Grissom found the isles with the crackers and stomach medicine. While passing a cart with flowers, he picked up three red roses before heading toward the checkout line. Distracted, something caught Grissom's eye in a corner isle, it was a basket of stuffed animals. Smiling, Grissom picked what he thought was supposed to be a lady bug. He and Sara could enjoy it until the baby came, and there was no reason why the baby shouldn't have a great interest in bugs. Keeping his eyes straight towards the checkout line as he walked, Grissom made a mental note to try and find a book with the works of Shakespeare as well. His baby would be very intelligent, Grissom was sure of it.

Standing in the checkout line, Grissom heard a familiar voice from behind him, "Grissom? What are you doing here?"

Wincing, Grissom turned around to face no other than Greg Sanders with his arms full of junk food.

"I just needed to pick up a few things before heading home," Grissom paid the cashier his money and grabbed his bags, trying to get rid of Greg and get himself home.

"Are you feeling sick?" Greg motioned to the medicine and the crackers, "Only, I usually don't get myself roses when I'm sick."

"I've been feeling out of sorts lately. The roses are part of this special home remedy I read about. "

"Oh, right," Glancing down at the food in his arms Greg continued, "I'm having some friends over, they say that I've been under the weather lately because of the civil suit and whatnot."

Grissom sighed, he felt bad for Greg, "A civil suit like that would take a toll on anyone. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You made the right decision that night, and you've been paying for it since. Nobody came out of it unscathed. Just let it go and move on."

"Thanks Grissom. For everything," Greg smiled, " You're a real hard ass most of the time, but you're a people person when you try "

Grissom shook his head, "That's good to know," he looked at his cell phone, grimacing.

"Do you have to be somewhere?"

"Yes, I need to get home before Sa-" Grissom stopped, realizing what he'd almost said, "Before it gets to late, I need to catch up on my sleep and I want to look over my case files."

Greg smiled oddly, "Okay," he said doubtfully, "I guess I'll see you at work."

Grissom mentally slapped himself. For as smart as he was, he sure was stupid sometimes. He called to tell Sara he was on his way home and left the store.

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Unlocking the front door, Grissom deposited his purchases on the kitchen counter. He still couldn't figure out how Sara had ended up moving into his townhouse, but he liked it better now that she was in it permanently. She made it feel lived in, homey. And in his opinion, it looked better with her things in it. Walking into his bedroom that was shared with Sara, he heard sounds of retching coming from the adjoining bathroom. Grissom hurried in to check on Sara.

Flushing the toilet, Sara looked very pale. She felt worse than she looked, but she didn't tell Grissom that when he asked her how she was feeling. Having thrown up everything she'd eaten, Sara didn't feel any better. She picked herself up and stumbled to the bed, aided by Grissom.

Seeing the way Grissom was looking at her, Sara glared at him, "It's only the stomach flu," she stated, "It's not morning sickness."

"Okay, if you say so," Grissom smiled at her denial and left to the kitchen. Gathering the plastic bag with his purchases out of the kitchen, he pulled the roses out and poured a glass of water. Setting them on a tray, Grissom returned to find Sara curled up in a ball. Gently, he propped her up against pillows and emptied the contents of the bag on the bed.

Sara picked up the stuffed ladybug, smiling a sick smile, "What exactly is this for? The baby isn't coming for another six months and you're already trying to get it interested in bugs?"

"Its never to early to start buying things for the baby," Grissom hugged Sara, "I got something for you to," picking up the tray, Grissom handed Sara the water along with her medicine.

"Thank you," she replied sarcastically, wincing at the foul taste of the medicine, "I think that if I sleep then I'll feel better."

"I don't think you'll want to sleep quite yet," Grissom handed her one of the roses, "In sickness and health isn't just for married people you know. This rose is for you in sickness," he kissed her forehead, "This rose is for you in weakness, sadness," he paused, "Pain," he kissed her again, this time on the cheek, "This rose is for you in your joy, your happiness, your love," he kissed her one last time, this time on the lips.

Tears filled Sara's eyes, "We're going to be fine, all three of us. It doesn't matter when and if other's find out about us."

Grissom held Sara in his arms as the medicine kicked in and made her sleep. About ten minutes after he thought she'd fallen asleep, Grissom reached for the case file of the miniature murders on his bedside table. As he leaned back into the bad with his file open, Sara jerked her eyes open and she flung herself out of bed. She ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Startled, Grissom ran to the bathroom after her, and finding the door locked, he sat and waited.

"I guess it was the flu," He said to himself.

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To Be Continued...


	3. Lab Rats

-1Chapter Three: Lab Rats

The alarm clock blared in the next room. Grissom checked his watch, it was 3:00 in the afternoon. Sara stirred in his arms, they'd slept in the bathroom leaned up against the tub. Sara had kept getting sick throughout the morning and early afternoon. She looked like she was feeling better.

Carefully leaning Sara up against the tub, Grissom untangled himself from her and ran to shut off the alarm clock. In about eight months, the crying of an infant would be their alarm clock, Grissom thought affectionately, glancing at Sara's stomach. She looked the same as she always had. She showed no signs that she was pregnant.

Grissom knew that he would have to wake Sara soon, but seeing her so peaceful, he dreaded the fact that would soon have to get her up for work. He waited a few more minutes before gently shaking her awake.

"I really need to take a shower," said Sara, still groggy from only a few hours of sleep after being sick all day. She smiled at Grissom as he helped her up from the tiled floor and enveloped her in his warm embrace. She breathed in his smell and gazed up into his loving eyes. She knew that this was one of those moments that she would remember forever.

Glancing over at the clock, Sara reluctantly pulled away from Grissom. "We have enough time to take a shower if we hurry." She smiled flirtatiously, turning on the warm water and peeling off her sweaty tank top.

"I think we can make it to work just on time." said Grissom, closing the bathroom door.

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Holding a stack of assignments, Grissom headed down the hall. Running into Greg, Grissom handed him a slip, "You've got a 419," Catherine came up the hall for her assignment, "You've got a party gone bad, something with a clown." Grissom smiled.

"You give Greg the 419 and me the physical assault," Catherine cried, reading the assignment over, "What's up with that?"

"Believe me, you don't want Greg's case," Grissom replied as Sara walked up.

Walking past trace, Grissom handed out the last assignment to Sara, "Are you coming with?" She asked hopefully.

"No," he replied, "I'm going to be in autopsy all night, a floater found on lake mead."

"Oh?" She smiled, knowing that it meant for a boring night, "By the way, you left the miniatures open."

"Yeah," Grissom sighed, "I've been looking at them a lot lately." Seeing nobody around, he quickly squeezed her hand before saying goodbye. Watching her walk away, he thought for the hundredth time about the way that she would look in a couple of months. Retreating to autopsy, the thoughts of Sara quickly left his mind. That night soon turned into a strange one involving a rat and some bleach.

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A few hours later, Sara delivered her evidence to Wendy to check over in DNA.

"How did you know to check under the keys?" Wendy asked, after hearing about the semen found.

"It was the butt print on the crescendo ," Sara replied, shaking her head, "I guess you never really know what's going on in your office, right?"

Turing to leave, she was stopped by Wendy, "Sara?" she asked with a strange look on her face, "Is it true that Grissom is losing sleep at night because of the miniature murders?"

"How would I know?" Sara replied defensively, thinking that they were finally found out. How did Wendy know about her and Grissom's secret relationship? And if she knew this, what else did she know?

"You wouldn't!" Wendy laughed, "I just thought that maybe all of you guys talked about it or something. Hodges said that Grissom confided in him," Wendy laughed without feeling and rolled her eyes.

Relieved, Sara was now confused, "Even if it was true, do you really think that Grissom would confide in Hodges?"

"No, you're right, just forget I said anything," Wendy turned to get to work as Sara walked away.

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"So, Hodges figured out that the connection was bleach?" Sara asked, smiling.

"Apparently so, I think that he wanted to try and make a difference in the outcome of our investigation, turns out, he can be pretty helpful when he's not being a complete pain in the ass." Grissom glanced up from the case file he was looking at, "Bleach, it does make sense that bleach is the trigger. I don't understand how I didn't think of it before."

" Sometimes its really hard to see when you get too close to the project. You need to take a little bit of space, look at it with new eyes, then you see things that were there all along. You saw the same things that Hodges did, but you were so used to looking at them that they didn't really mean anything. Hodges looked at them, and he saw them in a way that fresh eyes do. "

Grissom put down the case file, sighing, "I get it, take a break from the miniatures, then come back, right?"

"I guess if that's what you really need to do," Sara smiled her goofy smile, "I'm so glad that you thought of that solution to your problem."

Grissom knew that Sara only wanted the best for him. Maybe he should start focusing on her and the baby, he would need to do that soon enough anyway. He turned off his nightlight and squeezed his arms around Sara lightly, kissing her shoulder. He would humor her, he decided, at least for a little while.

Sara sighed contentedly and snuggled into Grissom's embrace, happy to finally have him back with her, and not off in his own world obsessed with finding killers. As she drifted off to sleep, Sara knew that this was her favorite place in the world. In the love of her life's arms.

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To Be Continued...


	4. The Touch

A/N: For those of you reading this, I hope you're enjoying it! Thank you for the reviews, they really help me keep on going. I promise to keep undating regularly.

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Chapter Four: The Touch

Grissom lie awake, watching Sara sleep. He couldn't get enough of her. From the way her hair fell across her brow, to the tattoo on the top of her foot. Every free moment he had that he wasn't thinking about miniatures, he was thinking about her, their life, and their future. Glancing at the clock, Grissom carefully rolled out of bed, wrapping the sheet around Sara and softly kissing her cheek.

Grissom hurried out of the room to let Hank out the back door. Hank was his dog, but from the second he'd brought Sara home with him, they were the best of friends. Sara would take him out for runs, give him treats, and Hank would lick her face and give her company when Grissom was working late. He liked to think of the three of them as the family that none of them had ever truly had. Only now, there would be another addition to their little family unit.

There were still a few hours to spare until they had to go into work, so Grissom decided to make them breakfast. Living with a vegetarian had really changed his diet. At home he didn't eat any meat or anything that contained it. Mainly veggies, fruits, and grains for him anymore. Even when he was at work, Grissom found himself eating a vegetarian diet. It surprised him how much that he'd changed in the two years that he'd been with Sara. And he didn't regret any of it.

Grissom made toast and poured juice, keeping an eye on the bedroom door. He put the food on a tray and walked it into the bedroom where Sara was still sound asleep. Smiling, Grissom put the tray down on the bedside table, then left the room to let Hank back into the house.

"Quiet Hank," Grissom hissed as the dog started whine softly, "Sara's sleeping." At the mention of her name, Hank stopped whining and sat down, cocking his head. Grissom shook his head and closed the door, and Hank rushed into his bedroom. "Hank! No!"

Hank jumped on the bed where Sara was sleeping softly, lying down beside her gently. He licked her ear and pawed at her shoulder. Sara turned over, smiling.

"Hank!" Grissom ran into the room, tripping over a pile of clothes, and flying onto the ground. Hank barked and sat up, panting. Sara sat up, startled.

"What are you doing?" Sara laughed. Grissom groaned in reply, rubbing his knees. Sara jumped out of bed, sitting on the floor by his side and wrapping her arms gently around him, "You okay baby? Looks like you failed miserably at not waking me up, huh?"

Grissom looked at her sheepishly, letting her help him off the ground. They fell back laughing on the bed. "You know something?" Sara continued, "I love you, even though you are a dork."

Grissom thought for a moment, "You know, I was thinking, maybe, to help me with the case, I could build my own mini."

Sara looked at him curiously, "Interesting change of subject," Sara shook her head, "What do you want to do? Get inside this killer's head? Unless you build one of somebody that you plan on killing, its not very likely that you'll get there."

"I know, but it might help to quiet my mind. You know, calm me."

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Grissom was having a good day. There hadn't been any murders. It was a happy day in Las Vegas. There were a few cases of armed robbery and assault, but that was better than death. He assigned his team their assignments, but he saved the best for he and Sara. It was a DUI gone wrong. The guy totaled his car and was in the hospital. It would be easy enough. They just needed to assess the damage so the D.A. could prove that the guy deserved a long time in prison.

It was almost dawn when they arrived at the scene. They got to work processing immediately. It was best to get most of it done before the tourists showed up. As soon as the sun began to rise, the tourists poured in. Any sort of accident was more exciting than a show on the strip to tourists. The bright light of the dawn reflected off of the totaled red sports vehicle.

As Grissom took the camera off of Sara's shoulder, he softly ran his hand down her arm. She smiled at him. They didn't care who saw the touch. To an outsider looking in, it was innocent. Both Grissom and Sara knew that there couldn't possibly be anyone observing that the touch it would matter to.

But they were wrong. There was one person who cared very much. She was watching every move they made with remembering eyes. The touch only confirmed was she already knew. Natalie Davis had found a way that she would make Gil Grissom suffer. She had already formed her plan. And it was the most perfect one yet.

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To Be Contiued...


	5. Random

A/N: Thanks so much for the fabulous reviews! I hope that you enjoy where I'm taking the story. This is just a little fluff that came to me when I was trying to introduce a moment that I've been meaning to have since the beginning. I still haven't written the part... But this is a pretty good substitution! Enjoy!

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Chapter Six: Random

Brass called him at work early that day. He had a new lead on one of the Dell foster children. Trevor Dell was his name. Grissom left Nick in his office to ponder over the perfect scale model of his office he'd built, and left to join Brass immediately.

They had the landlord open the door, "He's never there around the time of the month the rent is due," The man informed them.

The place was freezing. Brass walked around, observing no visible disturbance until he came to the bathroom. Grissom was distracted by some action figures on the bookcase. And amongst them, a miniature of a body.

"I found a body," Brass announced. Upon getting no reaction from Grissom, he headed to where he was standing, "Suddenly lost your interest in dead bodies?"

Grissom pointed out the miniature body, "It looks like the miniature killer was here first."

As the CSI's came in to process the scene, Grissom couldn't help but be thrilled. On the small doll, there was an engraved bracelet. This could be the break he'd been waiting for. Grissom needed only to go to the miniature specialty shop he'd discovered.

When Sara showed up, he led her to the bathroom to process it, "It's all yours my dear," He added with a smile.

The day went by very quickly. Grissom and Catherine found a finger print and skin cells on the mini body. When Grissom took the mini to the specialty shop, the man remembered making it, and was able to provide Grissom with a first name. It was finally enough to get records from the foster care system. The girl's name was Natalie Davis, and she was the miniature killer.

Grissom would have been content to work a triple shift in order to track down this mysterious girl, if not for Sara, "Remember the whole 'fresh eyes' thing we've been talking about?" was all she needed to say, along with a wink in order to convince him to go home.

When he arrived home, Grissom tried to sit down and read the mini killer case file for the billionth time before Sara took it away from him, "Spend a little time with me instead of the killer, okay?" Sara said teasingly, "You spend so much time with this file, I might need to start getting jealous."

Grissom inhaled deeply, this case had been on his mind every day for the past nine months. All he needed was a little more time to find this girl, and it would all be over. Hopefully, they would catch her before she struck again.

Sara sat on the floor in front of Grissom, observing him while he pondered this idea. Hank came over to sit with Sara, she rubbed his ears and waited for Grissom to look up.

"How do you put up with me?" Grissom asked when he finally looked up at her.

"With you getting completely involved with cases? Or your weird hobbies? Or your bugs? Or just you in general?" Sara joked, "It just comes naturally to me I guess." To be honest, she hated Grissom when he was like this, somewhere far away where she couldn't reach him.

Grissom climbed out of his chair to join Sara and Hank. He had to be the luckiest man in the world to have ended up with Sara. Grissom reached for Sara's hand as she climbed to her feet, "What are you doing?"

"You'll see…" She answered.

She went to the stereo and popped in a CD. The music started playing as Sara flipped through the tracks. She seemed to find the one she'd been looking for as she turned up the volume, "Remember this?" Sara asked quietly.

If anything, she knew him better than anyone else. All the worry and tension that had built up in him drifted away as he listened to the song playing. He smiled as he remembered what Sara was referring to.

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It had been a few short weeks after Sara had confided in Grissom about her family when it happened. Adam Trent attacked Sara in the mental hospital where they were investigating the murder of one of the patients. She ran, and instead if letting her be alone, Grissom went to her. She confided in him more. She told him about her mother once being in a mental hospital. About it feeling and smelling the same as the one they were in. She said she wanted to finish the case, that she needed to. And Grissom decided not to let her go through it alone. He'd help her in any way he could.

Later, when he watched Sara confront Adam's mother about her actions, Grissom knew that he had to make his move then. Or else he never would. But after Sara came out of the interrogation room, she was cold. Grissom couldn't do it. He went out to his car, beating himself up for missing what he'd believed should be the last chance he deserved. Sara walked out of the police station then, distant. Grissom seized the moment.

He opened his car door and called to Sara. She turned to find Grissom walking towards her. Grissom took a deep breath, "You want to go get a drink? Or something?"

Sara looked him up and down before answering, "I don't think that I could deal with people right now. So, sorry."

Grissom did some quick thinking as Sara turned toward her car, "We could go to my place, it would just be the two of us. If you can stand my company."

Sara turned back to face him hesitantly, thought a moment, then nodded her head reluctantly. Grissom lead her back to his car. This was it.

Sara sat back on his couch, looking around the room, "It hasn't changed much since the last time I was here," She pointed out.

"I don't redecorate often," Grissom explained as he pulled the brandy out from his cupboard.

Sara was visibly uncomfortable. She got up from the couch to examine Grissom's stereo, "You mind?" She asked, eyeing his book of CD's.

"Not at all," Grissom replied, pouring brandy into two glasses. Now that he had her here, he didn't know what to say or do. He was happy for her to do whatever she wanted.

He handed her the glass as she flipped through the pages of CD's, "Nickleback, John Denver, The Beetles, Tim McGraw" Sara read off the artists, "You have a very different taste in music then I would have expected." Sara kept flipping through the CD's, "Kelly Clarkson?" Sara eyed him suspiciously, "Are these even yours?"

Grissom chuckled, "It was this phase I went through a few months ago," Grissom explained, "I went to the store and bought that CD book, then every day after that I went to the CD store. I would pick up random CD's and listen to them. Some I liked, some I didn't. It was something to look forward to."

She'd been on the same page for a while, but she wasn't looking at it. She was looking past it. Sara turned to face Grissom, "Was there a specific reason you invited me here?" Sara set the brandy down on the stereo, folding her arms over her chest.

"I just didn't think you'd want to be alone…" Grissom looked up into her eyes, she softened a bit. Grissom searched for something else to say. He chose a random thought floating in his head, "Do you want to listen to one?" He motioned to the CD's with his glass.

"That's fine," Sara replied. She turned back to search for a CD, "What do you want to listen to?"

"Whatever you want," Sara looked uncomfortable again, "Just choose one at random."

Sara closed the book, then opened it to a page in the middle. From this she pulled out the first CD and put it in the stereo.

Grissom watched her. He didn't bring her here just to talk about CD's. She needed to know everything. How he felt, what his intentions were. What could he do?

"Should I make everything random?" Sara indicated the track listing on the small screen. Grissom nodded.

Sara pressed the "Next Track" button a few times before pressing play.

"Who'd you pick?" Grissom asked. Sara shrugged her shoulders.

The music started up, soft and slow.

_You spend all your time waiting, for that second chance._

_For a break that will make it ok. _

Do something! Grissom gave himself a mental kick. It was now or never. He just needed to do something other than just stand there staring at the woman in front of him. So he once again, Grissom chose randomly what his next move would be, "Dance with me?"

Sara looked alarmed, "I can't. I don't dance."

_I need some distraction, oh a beautiful release._

_As memories seep through my veins._

Grissom set down his glass and held out his hand, the ball was in her court now. Sara looked at his extended hand. She looked at her own hand with astonishment as she took Grissom's. The ball was back in his court.

He tenderly pulled her towards him and draped his arm around her waist. Her free hand moved to his shoulder.

_In the arms of the angel._

_Far away from here._

Gently, they swayed back and forth. Neither looked away from the other's eyes. Grissom pulled her even closer. Sara wrapped both her hands around his neck. They were lost in the moment. Grissom could only concentrate on Sara's eyes, and the smell of her hair. They both pulled in closer until they were pressed together. Suddenly, they stopped moving. Before Grissom could think, his lips were touching Sara's. Whether it was him that moved in, or her, neither could tell.

The music kept playing. And neither Grissom nor Sara moved. How long they stayed in each other's arms, they never could tell. But it was a perfect fit.

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Grissom stood up, "How could I forget?" He replied. He turned to Sara, pulling her close to him as he had on that night so long ago.

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To Be Continued...


	6. Reasons

Chapter Six: Reasons

"When do you think that it happened?" Sara inquired, sliding behind the drivers seat and handing Grissom the brown paper bag of Chinese food.

After she had managed to get Grissom's mind off the miniature killer for a while by playing their song, Sara had announced she was hungry. They then went to pick up her favorite Chinese food from a restaurant off the Strip.

"Excuse me?" Grissom looked up from the catalogue of parts for his miniature of his office. He'd begun building it a couple weeks before, and he already had all the parts that he needed, but it never ceased to amaze him the thriving community of miniaturuers, (as they called themselves) that he'd discovered.

Sara pulled out of the parking lot of the takeout restaurant and headed away from the strip, "When do you think we got me pregnant?"

Grissom's brain hurt. He'd been dealing so much with "clubs" full of people who thought that aliens were trying to take over the earth, trying to build his miniature, and now the fact that he was so close to finding the miniature killer. He waited a couple minutes before answering, "Around two months ago," Grissom answered obviously.

Sara turned on their street, "Well, yeah Gil, but when was that? Which," Sara searched for the right word, "_Time_, was it?"

Grissom folded the catalogue up and stored it in the glove compartment, "What does it matter?"

Sara pulled up to their townhouse and unbuckled her belt, taking the food from Grissom and exiting the car. She opened their front door, and set the food down on the counter before turning back to Grissom, who was collapsing on the couch, "I'd just like to know what happened that got me pregnant."

He sighed, "Do I really need to explain that to you? I would have thought you'd learned all about that in high school."

Sara sat on his stomach, causing him to sit up and push her back on the couch. She laughed. He was in a better mood now, "Its just that there was something wrong with the birth control that day, so if we figure out what day it was, we can make sure that it never happens again," Sara smiles and added as an afterthought, "Or make sure that it does. You know?"

"Wait a minute, we haven't even had one yet, and you already want another baby?" Grissom threw himself back on the couch with his hand over his eyes in mock exasperation. Sara moved from the end of the couch to straddle his stomach.

"Not necessarily, come on, just humor me."

"Okay," Grissom got serious, "There was that one time when I got back from sabbatical. Right after I opened that mini the killer sent me, when the brother killed his sister to put her out of pain?"

Sara shifted her weight, "It couldn't have been then, I remember that I'd just gotten my new pills. They were the once a week kind, so I was covered."

"Maybe the birth control was just ineffective," Grissom suggested wearily, he was so tired that it was becoming difficult for him to keep his eyes open.

"Lets just assume it wasn't…"

"Right, how about right after I returned from sabbatical? Just the night after, not the week after," Grissom smiled at the memory, he'd missed Sara so much when he'd been gone.

He'd been in his office, sorting through the mountain of mail that had accumulated on his desk in his absence, when Sara passed by his office. Just seeing made his heart race. He'd rushed into the hall to greet her.

The mixture of surprise and happiness on her face was beautiful. It wasn't often that she was surprised in a good way. But Grissom loved the way she looked when she was. He'd taken an earlier flight home than he'd originally planned. A couple of days earlier, so he could understand the great surprise.

Sara smelled horrible, apparently she'd just come from a garbage dump. She promised she'd see him later, and rushed away to take a shower. It was all he could do not to follow her.

Grissom hadn't gotten home until very late. He'd needed to stay later than he'd have liked to comfort Catherine and find out about this "Keppler". As soon as he'd opened the front door, Sara tackled him. Apparently she'd missed him too. After that, one thing led to another, and Grissom didn't wake up until very late the next day. The only thought that was on his mind was how happy he was to wake up next to Sara again.

"Down boy," Sara joked, "I think that would have been too early."

Grissom laughed, he really didn't understand how it mattered when it had happened, "I'm out of ideas. You come up with one now."

"How about the day before the case with the cheerleader and the basketball player?" Both she and Grissom remembered all the victims' and suspects' name long after the case was over. But it helped them keep the cases less personal if they didn't mention names unless necessary. So all the cases became "that one with the girl" or "when he was bludgeoned with a hammer" case.

"It couldn't have been, if we keep assuming that the birth control was effective."

They both sat and thought for a minute. Grissom was very comfortable with Sara's slight weight on his stomach. He was closing his eyes to sleep when suddenly Sara jumped, "I know when it happened!" She exclaimed excitedly, "It was the night when we got rid of that bushy beard of yours."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. I had forgotten to take my pill for the week because Brass had woken us up early that Saturday," Seeing Grissom's look of confusion, Sara continued, " It was the one with the cheerleader and the basketball player. I grabbed the pill, but then I remember pocketing it because I was on my way out the door. I didn't take the pill until the next week. And by then I didn't remember that I hadn't taken it the week before because it wasn't in my pill box, and I had already marked that week off."

"Okay then. I'm glad we got that one figured out," Grissom replied sarcastically.

Sara climbed off his stomach and playfully slapped the place she'd bee sitting, "I don't know about you, but I really want some of that Chinese we went through all the trouble to go pick up."

Food was the last thing on Grissom's mind, but he wanted to humor Sara. They talked about recent cases and happenings between the other CSI's for most of the meal. By his reckoning, Sara was only a little over eleven weeks pregnant. But somehow she seemed very different. People were always talking about that glow that the woman got. He'd always thought it was imagined, but now it made since to him. Sara was radiating happiness, and it made him happy just to see it.

When they finally decided to go to bed, Grissom was bone weary. He collapsed on the bed and closed his eyes. He was awoken by Sara nudging him to move over a half an hour later. She climbed into bed next to him, lying her head on his chest, and Grissom was out like a light. He didn't wake up again until he felt the warmth of Sara's head move away.

Grissom inched his eyes open groggily. Sara was sitting up, reading something with a small flashlight.

"Why is it that I always find you awake reading something?" Grissom rolled over to turn on his lamp. He squeezed his eyes shut as the light flooded the room.

"I'm sorry that I woke you up," Sara looked at him tenderly.

Grissom nodded and shifted closer to her, "And that's what you always say when you do dear."

Sara studied him for a minute before talking again, "Gil?"

"Yes dear?" Grissom opened his eyes slightly.

"I love you very much."

He knew that she loved him. It wasn't something they said often, but they both knew the other's feelings. Through some sort of unspoken agreement, they never said those three words out of habit. They only said it at opportune moments, or when they really needed to. That way it never lost meaning.

It wasn't so much what she said, but how she said it. There was something else on Sara's mind. Grissom opened his eyes the rest of the way, "There isn't anything wrong, is there?"

"No, I just…" Sara hesitated, "I haven't really told you this, but, I'm just so thrilled! At first I might have been a little worried, and I know I'm only a little over halfway through the first trimester, but still. I've just been thinking about it more and more. I've been reading books the past few days and…" Sara trailed off as Grissom just smiled, "What?"

"Those are my feelings exactly."

" I just like I'm awake for the first time in my life. And it feels good."

Grissom knew exactly what she meant. He'd been feeling that way for the past two years. As they fell asleep together for what was the third time that night, Grissom knew that as long as he had Sara, he would feel that way for the rest of his life.

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To Be Continued...


	7. Promise

Chapter Seven: Promise

Grissom woke early the next evening, refreshed. His mind was already at the lab. Sara was still sound asleep. She would probably sleep for another couple of hours. Grissom felt a pang of guilt, but he had to go into the lab early today. He'd already spent hours away from the miniature case.

After taking a quick shower and grabbing his kit, Grissom was out the door. He would be at work a good two hours early and well before the rest of the team. He would work on researching Natalie until someone else showed up.

As Grissom drove to the lab, he felt very sorry he wouldn't be there when Sara woke up. No matter what was going on, he'd always try to make sure he was there. He felt obligated. Sara laughed at him when he told her why, but Grissom knew she appreciated it.

"_I promise."_

The words echoed in Grissom's head. He wasn't sure why he was remembering all these moments he had once shared with Sara. Maybe because he wanted a distraction.

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The memory that was predominant in Grissom's active mind had occurred shortly after Nick's near fatal kidnapping. After Catherine and Warrick had left with Nick in the ambulance, Grissom had a sensible talk with Ecklie.

He wanted his team back. Was it really too much to ask? Catherine would still have a lot of power in the lab, he had no problem with that. She'd be happier to be on nights instead of swing. It would mean more time with her daughter. And the guys wouldn't mind. Grissom appealed to Ecklie's ego in every way he could. It was a first for him, but he was desperate.

Ecklie promised that he'd try to make the arrangements, as long as it was alright with Catherine, Nick, and Warrick. For once, Ecklie was sympathetic.

When Grissom returned home after the long and trying night, he was alone, except for Hank. He felt horrible about everything that had happened to Nick, although there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. The moment when Nick's abductor had set off the explosives and ended his life replayed in Grissom's mind over and over again.

Grissom hadn't even set his keys down yet. He was simply standing in the middle of the room. He wanted something else to think about. On his way home, he'd called Catherine at the hospital. Nick was going to be okay. He was distressed, but alive. The team could visit him after eight in the morning the next day. But Catherine recommended they wait a little longer so Nick get more time with his family.

Grissom was alone, and Sara would be too. They'd been seeing each other almost every night after work for the past few weeks. Their relationship was indefinitely changed. They were what most would call a couple. So why should they be alone when they both needed reassurance? Grissom walked right back out of his house.

A few minutes later, he was standing outside of Sara's apartment. He knocked lightly. After a minute, Sara opened the door and invited him in.

"Somehow I just knew you'd be here," She said quietly, "I made tea." She offered him a cup, "It always comforts me, something about the warmth," Sara explained.

Grissom noticed the T.V. was on mute. He turned up the volume. It was a report about Nick's abduction. Sara took the remote from him and turned it off, "I just wanted to know what they would be saying about it," Sara sighed, "Its just not fair that he had to go through that. But it wasn't his time."

"I never knew that you believed in having a 'time' Sara," Grissom replied, putting his finished tea on the counter and taking a seat next to her.

"To me, its just always seemed that things happen for a reason. Maybe not a good one, with all the death and murders we investigate every day, but a reason." Sara glanced at Grissom, he was open to her. No secrets. Nothing held back. Complete honesty. All because he had decided to finally confront his feelings for her. And now he was sitting here with her when he could have just as easily stayed at home.

Sara leaned into Grissom and he enveloped her in his arms. A single thought was in both of their minds. They could make it. It didn't matter what happened. Somehow, they could make it. They both had all the love in their hearts to give. And it was overflowing because of lack of use. They were each what the other needed. Love and comfort.

Grissom spoke through Sara's hair, "Life is too short to waste time. We see it every day. So why is it that I've wasted so much of it?"

Sara pulled away, "Let the past go," Was all she needed to say to convince Grissom. He kissed he lightly on the mouth. She kissed him back. After their first kiss, it had been strange for a while, but after both Grissom and Sara got used to it, it was perfect. They would spend all the time they could together outside of work. Through one of their unspoken agreements, they would only meet in places where their friends didn't go. And their dates were kept secret.

Somehow, the kiss lead them to Sara's bedroom. Their kisses hadn't ever gotten them this far, but it seemed natural. Grissom gently leaned Sara back onto the bed, supporting her neck as he kissed her. A sudden thought entered Sara's mind.

"Wait!" Sara placed her hands on his chest to stop Grissom, "There's no going back to the way things were after this, you know that don't you?"

"Sara, no matter what we do, I can't go back to the way things were," Grissom looked at her seriously, "You can always say stop."

"That's not it," Sara covered her face with her hands, "The thing is that if we do this, we can only move forward. No matter what the consequences," Sara thought for a moment, "You can't go pulling one of your sudden 'Grissom mind changes' after this. And just decide its not worth it."

"I've moved past that Sara."

"Have you?"

"You're worth it. In every single way," Grissom kissed her, "No kidding."

Sara relaxed a little, not complete reassured, "Just promise me that you'll still be here when I wake up. And you won't just leave because you're nervous, or unsure, or scared, or whatever other excuse you can come up with."

Grissom looked Sara straight in the eye, "I promise."

The next morning, he woke up next to her for the first time. He stayed there until she was awake and longer. Even though he knew she'd only meant that one night, Grissom kept his promise long after. He didn't break it until he went away on sabbatical. And then again today.

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Grissom sat in his office for about an hour. Checking the clock, Grissom decided that Sara would be up by now. As he talked to her and told her how sorry he was for leaving before she was awake, Grissom decided it was okay this one time. There would be many more mornings for him to keep his promise. Why wouldn't there be?

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As Grissom talked to Sara on the phone, Natalie Davis was perfecting the final stages of her plan. She'd been watching Sara. She knew when she'd be alone. All she'd need was a couple of minutes. It wouldn't be hard. She would finally get her revenge, and there was nothing Gil Grissom or Sara Sidle could do about it.

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To Be Continued…

A/N: Sorry it took a while to update. I was having trouble getting enough time to publish. Thanks again to those of you that are reading and reviewing! Its been a lot of fun writing this because of it.


	8. Ghosts

Chapter Eight: Ghosts

Sara wasn't like most women. She didn't obsess over her appearance. She didn't freak out when she gained a few pounds, or didn't look perfect. No one was ever perfect. She'd admit that when she was younger, she worried about her weight, especially when she was a teenager. Her teenage years were hectic, but Sara couldn't help but be somewhat vain when it came to her appearance.

Sara felt a pang of sadness. She didn't like reliving her past. There were too many ghosts. Sara had a hard time dealing with ghosts. They had a tendency to stick with her. She shook the thought out of her head and came back to the present.

Sara observed herself in the mirror. She couldn't wait for the day that her stomach started bulging. The physical proof that she would be a mother. Sara was determined to be a good mother, no matter what it took. She wouldn't let her past effect her baby's life.

Sara left her house to go get a bite to eat before work. She parked her car in a parking garage and went to one of her favorite places. On her way back up in the elevator, she received a call from Grissom. He'd found Natalie Davis' father and was going to see him.

Sara was getting into her car when someone said her name. In the hours to come she would relive the moment she turned around over and over.

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There was too much on Grissom's mind. A final miniature with a replica of Sara under a crashed car. .Natalie had a psychotic break. They had no idea where Sara was. It was raining. Sara would drown if she didn't get out from under the car. They had no idea where Sara was.

Grissom hated feeling helpless. And there was no way for him to fix it. He and Greg had gone over the tapes. They'd found the car. Established the time line. They still had no idea where Sara was.

They didn't get a break until morning. It might even be to late. Sara might be dead, and it would be Grissom's fault. This was what Natalie had been counting on. Natalie had known that this would hurt Grissom, but she had no idea to what extent.

At one point, Grissom had been afraid Sara might leave him. The idea crushed him. He didn't think he could stand the idea that he'd done something to make her stop loving him. Right now, Grissom would rather have her hate him and be alive, than love him and be dead.

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The pain in Sara's arm had become dull. The pain in her heart was worse. Being alone in the hot desert fighting for your life really made you think. Her life wasn't the only one at stake. If she died, so did the life inside of her. That thought alone kept Sara walking on. The thought of her ghosts kept her company. In a way, she'd always carried around the ghosts from her past. She'd never been able to fully let them go. Every time she was close to getting rid of them once and for all, they'd find a way to stay. She'd never really known complete peace because of it. Sara decided that if she did get out, she would bury her ghosts once and for all.

Sara also decided she didn't want to die. She wanted to spend many more years with Grissom. She wanted to have her baby. She wanted to be happy. She didn't want to die alone and helpless in the middle of the desert.

Sara walked until each step became harder than the last. Until the heat made her senses go foggy. Until each breath hurt. Until her skin was so dry it began to crack. Sara walked until her legs gave out, and she just couldn't get up again, no matter how hard she tried.

Sara didn't like to lose. Her whole life she'd made herself feel better by winning. By being the best. She'd lost before, but it had been little things she'd lost at. This was a big thing to lose at. Sara would have cried, but her eyes were too dry. Before the world went black, Sara's last thought was that she'd lost the most important thing of all: Life.

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They couldn't find her, they'd scoured that desert and they still couldn't find her. If they didn't find her soon, it wouldn't matter that Sara had been able to get herself out from under the car. She would die from exposure.

Grissom had just about given up hope when he heard Nick's transmission on the radio. He'd found Sara. She was alive, but barely. Grissom and Catherine arrived as the paramedics were putting the IV in Sara. They lifted her up on the stretcher with Grissom's and Nicks help. As they began to put Sara in the helicopter, Grissom announced he was going with her.

The next minutes were the most horrible he'd ever experienced. Sara might not survive. They'd found her, but they didn't know if she'd be alright. Grissom placed his hand over Sara's hand and stomach, willing some of his life to pass into her. If she would wake up, he knew that she'd be okay. As for the baby, he didn't want to hope that much quite yet. The baby wouldn't have a chance if Sara didn't survive.

Grissom watched her anxiously. Still willing some of his life to pass into her. Slowly, Sara's eyes opened. The first thing she saw was the name. Grissom. She was safe. Sara looked up at his face as it softened. He looked more weary than she'd ever seen him. Grissom took a deep breath. Letting the relief course through him. His hand tightened over Sara's. She was a fighter, and she'd made it through.

Sara was too tired to think, but Grissom couldn't stop. He had Sara with him, she was alive. And he was never going to take it for granted again.

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To Be Continued…

A/N: I realize that this was one of my shorter chapters. I have no idea why, but with this chapter I got a pretty nasty case of writer's block. I promise that the next chapter will be longer. I don't foresee the same issues I had with this one popping up. The next chapter has been brewing in my mind for a while now.


	9. Loss

Chapter Nine: Loss

"_There was nothing we could have done."_

Hospitals came with varying degrees of emotion. The maternity ward was full of joy and anticipation. The Intensive Care Unit was full of despair and pain. On some floors the emotion was boredom and endless waiting. The floor that Sara was on didn't feel like anything to Grissom.

Sara was asleep. Her recently fractured arm was splayed oddly across her because of the new cast. They had her hooked up to an IV and several fans were pointed at her bed. She would be fine as soon as she had some fluids in her and her body temperature went down.

Grissom had stayed in the room awhile after the doctor had finished up some tests and talked to him. After leaving Sara's side, he had somehow managed to wander into the church. Grissom took a seat in the first row, staring at the many candles people had lit for hope. Grissom hadn't actively practiced Catholicism in a long while, but he found that somehow in his darkest moments he still found comfort in prayer.

He didn't know exactly what to pray for, strength? Hope? Sara had plenty of strength, she didn't need any of that. Grissom might, but she didn't. And why pray for hope? What could that help?

Sara had been through so much. But it wasn't over yet. They still had more troubles to face before it would be over.

"_The best thing to do will be to accept it. Let it go and move on. Start over."_

Grissom concentrated on his breathing. His pulse was above normal. There was nothing to he could do to slow it down. He felt a pressure building behind his eyes. His heart was heavy.

Grissom asked for Sara to find a way to accept what all that had happened to her and left the church. The pressure was still there. He couldn't let himself break down. No matter how much he'd wanted to the past day. He had to be strong for Sara. The pressure lessened behind his eyes, and spread to the rest of his body. Grissom saw an exit sign and followed it, knowing he'd need to return to Sara soon.

Grissom didn't know what to do with himself. The pressure had built up to the point where it was unbearable. So he took all the pressure out on a brick wall. A very hard brick wall. All he accomplished was to tear up his hand. And cause himself a lot more pain.

Sara was just waking up when Grissom returned. He'd stopped by a bathroom first to clean off his hand. It was pretty badly bruised and one of his knuckles was bleeding. That's what you get, Grissom thought to himself.

Sara felt better now that she was in the hospital, which was really saying something. She'd never liked the hospital. When she was a kid, it was a regular occurrence to show up at the ER. It caused her family a lot of suffering. In her line of work, her visits to the hospital weren't good either. The victim was either dying, badly hurt, or scarred. None of the victims would be able to get over things like that very easily.

She supposed the only good things she'd ever experienced in a hospital was when Nick was recovering. There was relief, but then again, there was the realization that even he wouldn't make it through his ordeal completely unscathed. And with Brass, there had been major anxiety. Hospitals just weren't one of Sara's favorite things. But they were an upgrade from the desert, which was now low on her list of places she liked.

Sara felt better, but she felt different. The decisions she'd made in the desert were still there, but that wasn't the difference. It wasn't in her head. Her arm was in a cast, but the difference wasn't entirely physical. The only thing she could think of to describe what she was feeling, was that she felt like she was missing something.

The difference wasn't in her head, but she still felt different. Sara was feeling a lot of emotion. Happiness, comfort, love, relief, anger. And then there was something else there. It didn't feel like something that was entirely new. It felt like something she hadn't experienced in a while. Sara couldn't quite name the feeling, it was unknown.

Grissom was there, he was smiling. He took her hand and kissed it. Sara couldn't help but smile back. She was alive. In her final moments before she blacked out, she had imagined she'd never be with him again. She'd never hold his hand, or kiss him, or look into his blue eyes, or live to make him a father.

As if reading her mind, Grissom leaned forward and kissed her. Sara looked into his eyes. She looked into his deep blue eyes in which she'd always found comfort. Sara found comfort, but there was something else there too. The smile that was still on his lips didn't reach his eyes. In his eyes she found a different emotion. The same one that she hadn't been able to name. It now had a name: loss.

Before she could help it, Sara's eyes filled with tears. She couldn't speak. She didn't know why she was acting like this. Or maybe she did. She just didn't want to accept it. She waited for Grissom to explain.

"There was nothing the doctors could have done," Grissom started, then stopped. Sara had calmed herself down after the outburst, and was dreading what she knew that Grissom would say next. It was what she had feared when she was out in the dessert. Grissom moved closer, then continued, "Your body shut down. You were barely alive when we found you . If it had been a few minutes later, you would be dead too. They did the ultra sound about an hour ago," Grissom sighed, "There wasn't a heartbeat. There wasn't anything. You miscarried."

Sara took it all in. The baby was gone, dead. Technically it wasn't a baby yet, the scientific side of her brain said. Grissom looked horribly sad. For her, and for himself. Sara opened her mouth to say something comforting, that everything would be okay, that they could move past this, but all that came out was a strangled sob. Sara covered her mouth with her good hand, to stifle the noise and calm herself down again. But it was too late, it was like flicking a switch. The waterworks were on, and she couldn't turn them back off. This was how she would deal with the pain.

Tears streamed down her scratched and sun burnt face. They stung. With each breath came another sob. Sara was in too much pain to stop. And this was her way of dealing with it. She could see Grissom's heart breaking for her. And she knew that his pain was just as real as hers. And that made it hurt even worse.

Grissom hadn't cried in at least two years. He'd wanted to stay strong for Sara as he comforted her, but the pressure behind his eyes had finally reached it's limit. Grissom's eyes overflowed with tears. He took Sara's hands, and cried with her. She doubled over, burying her face in the tangle of their hands. He moved onto the bed and held her as the sobs slowly subsided. After it all, Sara just laid there, with Grissom stroking her hair.

They'd cried out everything. All the stress from the past few months. The horror from the past couple of days. And the pain of Sara's miscarriage. Natalie didn't know it, and she never would know, but she'd succeeded in hurting both Sara and Grissom.

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Sara's entire world was different now. In the few short months she'd been pregnant, she'd grown accustomed to the idea to her being a mother. Now that she'd miscarried, she'd had to deal with that. And somehow, Grissom had managed to reveal that they were together while she was out in the desert, causing Ecklie to move in and take action.

Although Grissom had insisted he would, Sara moved to swing shift. She knew that night shift would cope a lot better with her loss than it would Grissom's. Sara also felt that somehow, even her work was different. Or maybe it was just her again? She didn't get the same thrill out of solving the puzzle as she used to. All she could see was the death. And how unfair and wrong it was. She'd felt the thrill of the solve gradually becoming less and less even before what happened to her in the desert, but now it seemed all the more obvious. The desert hadn't really changed her. She'd just finally accepted many of the ideas that had always been there while she was in the desert.

Nothing had changed about her love for Grissom. Or her happiness with him. But everything else had. And right now, it seemed that everything else was the problem.

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To Be Continued…

A/N: This chapter hurt for me to write, so please don't be completely angry for me having to do it this way. I thought about it, and this was the way that it had to happen. It might take a while, but you'll see why…


	10. The Bee's Sting

Chapter Ten: The Bee's Sting

"You know, the doctor said that it might be best to try again."

"Excuse me?" Sara was adjusting the brace she had to wear on her wrist now that her cast was finally off.

Grissom misunderstood what Sara meant, "Best to try and get pregnant again I mean."

Grissom had been mentioning the miscarriage lately, but Sara would change the subject before they talked about it. It was simple: Not talking about it was her way of getting over it. Sara counted to ten before turning to face him, "I understood what you meant," Sara replied coolly. She didn't like being mean about it, but this was the only way short of flat out ignoring the subject to get Gil to understand that he wasn't welcome to keep bringing it up, "What makes you think that I _want_ to get pregnant again?"

"Its just that you were so happy about being a mother. The doctor said that-"

"Honest to God I do not care about what the doctor said!" Sara cut in, "I have absolutely no desire to get pregnant. And no, I don't want to talk about the miscarriage. This is my way of dealing with it."

"Being angry about it?" Grissom replied sarcastically, "That's not a very healthy way to deal with things. You of all people should know that."

"It happened for a reason Gil, you have to let me believe that. The only way I can ever get over it is to believe that it happened for a reason," Sara uttered softly, "If not that, then what? It was some cruel twist of fate? Some higher power telling me that I don't deserve to be happy?"

"No Sara, never that. I'll stop talking about it. I only wanted to help you."

"That's the thing Gil. I'm okay, or rather, I'm going to be. You can't help me."

Grissom sighed, that was what nagged at him the most. No matter how much Sara said that she was okay, she wasn't. At least she'd admit it. Grissom supposed that only time could heal the deepest of wounds.

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Marriage. Before Sara, Grissom would have never even considered it. Before she got pregnant, he'd been considering asking her. But after she was pregnant, he didn't dare. She would never get married simply for the sake of tradition, and that's why she would think that he was doing it. Traditionally, if a man got a woman pregnant, he would ask her to marry him so that he could support her and the baby. Grissom didn't want that to be Sara's first thought when and if he ever asked her.

And he did ask her. Randomly. He was tending to his bee colony, which served as a very effective and interesting distraction. He was telling Sara all about the worker bees and showing her how they didn't sting when the notion came to him. He wanted more than anything to marry Sara. He wanted her to be Sara Grissom. Or Sara Sidle Grissom. Or just Sara Sidle if she wanted, but he was getting ahead of himself. So he asked. And she said yes.

She was very happy about it. And excited. They didn't start planning right away, they had plenty of time for that. They were getting married, and even they hadn't ever expected that to happen.

Grissom didn't tell anyone, but Sara did. She was really sick of keeping secrets, so she told Greg. Greg really was her best friend besides Grissom. It was nice being able to confide in him. And she really did enjoy hanging out with him. He really missed her. And truth be told, she missed him too.

Greg thought that it was very funny that instead of an engagement ring, Sara had a bee sting. "If it scars, you'll have a permanent reminder of your marriage!" Was all Greg could say between laughs.

He and Sara had breakfast every morning. He would hang around the lab and help her with her latest cases until she got off of work. All the death was really effecting her, she'd lost her spark. "I think that I'm sick of having death shoved in my face every day," Was all that Sara would say about how she was feeling. But Greg could see it. Sara was burnt out. Not burning out, but burnt out. There was nothing to stop her from quitting her job anymore. Especially since she didn't even get any satisfaction out of it. Greg figured that the only reason she was still sticking around the lab was because it was all she knew. Sara just couldn't accept that she was done with her job.

Greg knew that Sara was done with the lab, and he fully expected that it was only a matter of time before she left. But he never expected her to leave Las Vegas. It was plausible that she would, but unexpected. The thing that Greg would have never even dreamed she'd do was leaving Grissom behind when she left. But as he'd always say, "People surprise you every day. They often act in ways that you'd least expect. But they are very predictable if you pay enough attention." Or maybe that was a mobster from one of the old movies who always said that?

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To Be Continued…


	11. Saying It

Chapter Eleven: Saying It

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_I guess its gonna hurt the heart_

_I guess I'm gonna have to cry_

_And let go of some things I've loved _

_To get to the other side_

_I guess its gonna break me down_

_Like fallin' when you're trying to fly_

_Its sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life_

_Starts with goodbye._

-Carrie Underwood

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Sara watched Las Vegas pass before her eyes, for what she thought right then might be the last time. She knew she had to leave, but that didn't make it any easier. She already missed Grissom, and she'd just seen him a half hour before. Somehow, she'd come to the conclusion that if she could put Marlin away, and finally do something about Hannah, she would be able to keep doing her job. She got what she wanted, but it wasn't the way she wanted it to happen.

When Marlin killed himself, Sara had dealt with all that she could take. And she got no satisfaction in watching Hannah break down over it. Sara had told herself that this was what Hannah deserved, but when the girl reached out to her, she had to offer some comfort.

The ghosts that Sara had decided to confront were tearing away at her. They had to be dealt with once and for all. Sara hated to admit it, but Hannah was right. She was angry and sad. And she would self-destruct. It wasn't a question of if anymore, but when. That's not what Sara wanted. And she certainly didn't want to bring Grissom down with her.

He would be sad that she was leaving of course. He would go with her if she asked. But she couldn't let that happen. If they both went away, they would never come back. And Grissom still loved his job. The thrill of the catch was still an amazing feeling for him. Sara wouldn't take that away from him.

Going away was something she needed to do by herself. For herself. It was the only way to bury her ghosts. She didn't know where she was going, but she would figure it out. She had the cab drop her off at the townhouse. Sara hurried in to pack some clothes and grab some of her things. Sara put everything in her car and drove.

She drove to the outskirts of Las Vegas, away from all the bright lights. Away from her home and the past eight years of her life. Away from Grissom.

She knew that he would be sad. That he would hurt. That he would be very lonely. But it was better in the long run. She would keep in touch with him. She would make sure that he knew that it wasn't goodbye forever. Her goodbye was hasty, but she needed to convey so much to him that it came out in a way that made it seem like she was leaving him forever. Forever was a very long time. Sara might be gone for a very long time, but not forever. She would be gone as long as it took. No more and no less time.

She drove through the night. Still not knowing where she was going. She drove through small towns that were scattered throughout the state of Nevada, she drove through a couple of cities. She drove right out of Nevada. She drove until she saw a sign that said "Welcome to California".

Sara saw the sign and finally knew where she was going. She would go back to San Francisco. Back to the place where she lived before Vegas chose her. It would be nice to stay there for a while. She might find some peace, and a way to get rid of some of the ghosts of her past.

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_How do you pick up the threads of an old life?_

_How do you go on?_

_In your heart, you begin to understand._

_There is no going back._

_There are some things that time cannot mend._

_Some hurts that go too deep._

_That have taken hold._

-Frodo Baggins

The Lord of The Rings: The Return Of the King

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Grissom was lonely. He didn't like going home, because Sara wasn't there. He didn't like all the questions that people were asking him either. Was he okay? Did he need to talk? Where was Sara? Where was she emotionally? Could he speak for himself? Why didn't he take some vacation time? Why didn't he go after her?

Sara called him two days after the night she left him. She told him that she would have called sooner, but she had driven the entire time. And when she finally got where she was going, she needed rest. Where was she? He asked. In San Francisco. She needed to see her mother.

Grissom didn't ask any more questions, though he had many. Sara still sounded troubled. In his heart, he knew that this would be a long, painful recovery for her.

Before she hung up, Sara explained something she said had been nagging her, "The hardest part about saying goodbye, is actually saying it. Its what hurts the most. Especially when you don't know when you'll be able to say hello again. I'm sorry for that. But you know that this is something I need to do.

"A part of me, oddly enough, is actually grateful to Natalie for what she did. I've always needed to deal with my past. I've spent too long just ignoring it. It seems like she gave me the push that I need. I've realized that my past has been slowly wearing me down. It just sped up a little when I realized I needed to actually do something about it. This is going to take a while. But I promise I'll find a way to be able to come back," Sara's voice grew softer, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder you know. I'll be okay. I'm not right now, but I will be. I promise."

Grissom hung up the phone wishing that he could follow Sara, but knowing that he wouldn't. She needed time to clear her head. It was for her mental health. Grissom completely understood. That was what his sabbatical had been about. He sighed, the time that they were apart would be difficult. He would be awake during the time. He promised himself that he wouldn't close himself off to the world. But he wouldn't be alive, not really anyway. Not without Sara.

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Sara hung up the phone on her end. She breathed in the cool ocean air as waves crashed over her bare feet. Sara looked out over the ocean, feeling a peace that only something so large and beautiful could bring. Sara was awake. She wasn't just drifting through her life. She was awake to the fact that she needed to conquer her past. Until that happened, she couldn't really be alive.

So what had she been all these years? She hadn't truly been awake until the past few years. And she didn't see how she could possibly have been truly alive with the burden of her past.

Sara let it go. She let the thought go. She might not be truly alive now, but she would be. Sara stood in the ocean and cried. She cried for her past, she cried for her heart, and she cried for herself. It didn't relieve much of her burden, but as her salty tears mixed with the ocean, Sara knew that this was the first step. She also knew that there was a reason for everything that happened. Sometimes they gave you more chances to make things right. The second step was to take advantage of these chances. And try to understand how she could make peace with her past.

The ocean spray was cool on Sara's face. Sand covered her legs as she sat on the beach. "I guess I'm going back to go forward," Sara laughed.

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The End

A/N: This is the way it had to end. Only, it doesn't really feel like an ending to me. And that's because its not. Its really more of a beginning. Thank you to everyone who stuck with the story and supplied the truly awesome reviews! I hope you enjoyed reading it half as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Eventually, I plan on writing a sequel entitled "Alive" if anyone's interested in reading it. Like I said, this is really more of a beginning. ,')

Vega Dreamer


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